A mother's love knows no bounds

This year I will be celebrating my first Mother's Day as a mother. My dear baby boy was born in September and has been lighting up the world ever since. This year, perhaps more than any other year of my adult life, I have truly needed my own mother in all ways. During pregnancy, I just assumed that my mothering qualities would burst into full bloom as soon as my baby arrived, that my intuition would appear, fully matured, all on it's own. Motherhood is natural, after all, isn't it?

Well it turns out there are a few tricks to the trade that must be learned and my own mother was by my side for the first four weeks of my son's life, teaching them to me one by one. The birth of my son has changed me in every way I can imagine. I am more emotional than ever- things that make me happy send me over the moon and things that I find sad sometimes turn devastating or move me to tears in a flash. I feel a sense of empathy and protectiveness for every child that I see, which has me making funny faces at crying babies in the grocery store check-out or rolling down my window to scream "Hey! Zip up your damn coat!" to bewildered neighbourhood children who are otherwise trying to look cool in February. I am more careful of what I eat as I know it will turn up in my breastmilk later on making for either sweet sleep or a crying, gassy baby. I am more careful of my lifestyle in general, my full-time smoking, drinking and going out days are long behind me. In fact, going out at all can be a bit of a challenge since my exclusively breastfed son refuses to take a bottle. There are the more obvious changes as well, such as the 60lbs gained during pregnancy and the 35 that are still hanging on. It's funny how, although it does bother me sometimes, I used to get so much more worked up over five or ten pounds gained over the holidays than I have over the four dress sizes I've gained. Motherhood has changed me in many ways and while I owe most of it to dear baby, I owe much to my own mother as well.

My mother. There is no one like her. When I told her I was pregnant, she was thrilled for me. I cried on her shoulder about how I hadn't finished school, we lived in an apartment, we weren't even married, it just wasn't the plan! I knew she was empathetic, having had two "surprises" herself and raising my sister and I as a single mother. I'm sure she was also holding back a giggle or two, especially when I cried out, "I'm too young to have a baby!", given that I was 27 years old on the day of dear baby's birth and by that time in her life, she had a six year old and a three year old that she was raising on her own. Looking back at that afternoon, I can't help laughing at myself. At the time, I had thought my life was ending, but in reality, it was just beginning. Of course my mother knew this, but I'm sure she also knew it was the sort of thing a woman has to find out for herself.

When it comes to my mother, I am often at a loss for words. It's hard to sum her up in the way that I feel she deserves. The word that always comes to mind is sacrifice. The word itself sometimes conjures up a negative sense for people, but for me, it is the word I use to describe the series of loving acts done by my mother that made up my childhood. She was young when my sister was born in 1981, but she kissed her early 20's goodbye without looking back. Many young mothers try to hold onto their night life, leaving their babies with grandma, ignoring the disappointed frowns and heading off to "have it both ways". I'm sure she has her secrets, but as far as I know, my mother didn't date for eight years until she met my stepfather, whom she didn't even tell us about until he had proposed. My mother believed in protecting her children and in setting examples. Our neighbourhood was full of women who lived on welfare cheques and were somehow able to have brand new furniture, nintendo systems for their kids and a revolving door of "uncle joe's". I'm sure there were times when my mother glanced across the street and thought about going the easy route, but instead, she worked two jobs tirelessly to support my sister and myself and teach us the value of a work ethic. Our house may not have been full of new things (or even nice things), but even as a young child, I knew what my mother was made of. I looked at the other mothers and I felt that they didn't measure up. I'm sure those women loved their children, but, even at a tender age, it was clear to me that they were still putting themselves first. They were not the type to sacrifice for their children. While they were out "finding fathers" for their kids, my mother went to work teaching us about confidence, self-respect, self-assurance and the value of good education. She valued reading and artistry. She nurtured our imagination with books of children's poetry, she taught us to cook traditional Italian food and extolled the virtues of good manners. We went to seafood restaurants where we ate plate after plate of marinated squid and crab legs while the servers looked on in amazement at these little girls with tentacles hanging out of their mouths and we felt very sophisticated and privileged. We went to late night ice skating shows and stayed up well past bedtime. We went to the circus and the movies. We went camping and although it rained every single time, we sat in our soggy tent and no one complained because we knew how many extra shifts my mother had to work to get the weekend off. My mother loved us with her whole heart. She never felt sorry for herself that other young women were out experiencing the world, taking university courses abroad or staying out all night having the time of their life. She went to the school of life and it taught her that there was nothing she could find out in the world that would make her feel as whole or as relevant as motherhood had.

There were times, in elementary school, that other children would ask if I felt bad about not having a father. Children will ask you anything, as they lack diplomacy, and I remember being asked if I felt sad that I didn't have a "real family". I often think of that now, and what the idea of a "real family" means. My family, which consisted of my mother, my sister and myself, was always complete. From the day I was born, it was always the three of us. I never suffered the losses that children of divorced homes suffered. I never "lost" a parent, split my time between two homes, had two Christmases or felt myself being pulled in different directions through a custody battle. For me, family was three girls eating fresh pasta at a round dinner table and that is as real as the rain. Having a single mother, I was sometimes put in the "broken home" category. Truly, there was nothing broken about my home. There were three in the beginning, and we are still three. We have each added on a partner and my sister and I now have baby boys, but we are as three as ever.

After the birth of my son, my mother moved in with me for what was supposed to be two weeks but turned into a month. She was at my side all throughout my labour, supporting and encouraging me. She delivered both my sister and myself naturally, without drugs, and I knew that when she held onto my hand and said, "I know it hurts, baby", she really did know. In the first days of his life, it became clear that the battle had not ended with labour and that breastfeeding was proving to be an even more treacherous mountain to climb. Night after night, I handed my newborn son to her as I sank back against the rocking chair, tears streaming down my face and full of shame at my inability to nurse my son. My sister and I had taken to breastfeeding like little ducks to water, and so although she had no way to relate to the pain, the guilt and the terrible feelings of failure, she quietly assured me that motherhood is full of little heartaches and that this too shall pass. It wasn't until much later that she confessed to me that on the nights when she went out to get me some miracle nipple cream, breast shield, cooling compress or whatever new thing we thought might help, she would first sit in her car and cry into the steering wheel , wishing that there was something she could do to fix my problem. As every mother knows, and I now know, it is the most excruciating thing to watch your child suffer. Of course she never let on, she was by my side all the while, cool as a cucumber. She has taught me that motherhood is about making sacrifices for love. The pain of natural labour was the first sacrifice, sticking with breastfeeding was the second and I know there are many more to come, but I have big shoes to fill, so I welcome these challenges because I see them as an opportunity to prove to my mother and myself that she raised me extraordinarily well. She has taught me to nurture, to be stern but also kind, to stop and watch my baby before all these little moments pass and make way for toddlerhood, childhood and eventually adulthood. I will never forget the time that she spent with me when dear baby arrived. Waking up for every night feeding, telling me how some little face my son made reminded her of me as a baby, helping me get the impossible burps out and praising me when my red-faced little bundle finally quieted down to sleep. My mother has a little saying that she heard in a poem and she would often remind me of it whenever I stressed about the state of the house or the fact that I'd been in the same pyjamas for three days...

"Settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep"

and so...

To my mother, who is an angel on earth. If I lived over one hundred lifetimes, I could never thank you enough for what you have done for me in this one. Everything I have, you gave me. Everything I know, you taught me. Everything I am, you made me. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a mother and for truly meaning it when you told me your love knew no bounds.

Diadima xo

Milk Sharing: When you care enough to send the very best

Hello mamas! It's been a while...again. I do apologize, but I've been very busy goo goo-ing over my brand new nephew that was brought into the world by my dear sister on April 14- so I know you'll excuse my absence :-)

All throughout pregnancy, a woman can't turn her head without hearing about the benefits of breastfeeding her baby. Everywhere you go there are signs up: in the doctor's office, the hospital, the midwife's waiting room, baby shows, pamphlets, registration packages, bottle packaging and even in the advertisements for infant formula. We know that breast milk is the best thing for our babies, of course we know it, it's been indoctrinated from conception. Thanks to the tireless work of doctors, lactation consultants, midwives, doulas and North American marketing, the majority of women breast feed their babies for an average of six months. It's no wonder then that when a woman experiences great difficulty with breastfeeding- whether it's because of low supply, damaged nipples, poor latch, no latch or downright unbearable, excruciating pain- she completely falls to pieces.

I personally knew that I would breast feed long before my dear baby was even a twinkle in my eye, and- as you all know mamas- I had a hell of a time establishing my breastfeeding routine. It took me twelve weeks to even be able to get through a breastfeeding session and four more to coax dear baby back to the laborious task of drinking from the breast after he'd been spoiled with continuous bottle flow for four months. Lucky for me, I was able to pump unbelievable amounts (we're talking up to 14oz) and so my son received my breast milk the entire time.

Now with all this touting of the benefits of breast milk, and with all of these beautiful nursing mothers around, why is it that people still can't help but cringe when they hear the expression "milk sharing"?

I admit, when I first heard on the radio that women in the US are selling their excess breast milk online for $5 an ounce, my reaction was "ewwwwwwww, GROSS!". Of course, at that time I was six months pregnant and swore I'd never bare a breast in public. I always thought back to that episode of Sex and The City when Miranda couldn't get her son to latch. She was wearing a robe and a nursing bra and had both boobs hanging out as she tried, frustrated, to get her son to latch onto one of them. I'll never forget the look on Carrie's face as she sat in front of her, partly embarrassed for her friend, partly looking around for an exit. During pregnancy, I related a lot more to Carrie in that situation, but as soon as my son was born, I was putting Miranda to shame, not even bothering with the robe and bra and just walked around my whole house with no top on for about two months.

At one point, I mentioned what I had heard about selling your milk online to my Midwife and what I thought of it. She chuckled a bit, but then told me that it's illegal to sell milk in Canada, and then very earnestly told me that, here, women have "milk shares", where they are linked up to one another online and one woman can give her breast milk to another if she needs some help. I was still put off by this, and my midwife explained to me the order of what's best for baby:

1. Mother's milk

2. Mother's milk, expressed and bottle fed, cup fed, finger fed or some other variation.

3. Another mother's milk

4. Formula

She kindly reminded me of the long-used practice of wet-nurses and how, in many cultures today, if a new mother becomes ill, has too little milk or- worst of all- her milk never comes in at all, the other nursing mothers in the community all take on the responsibility of nourishing the baby. We've all heard the expression "it takes a village", and in these cases, it's literal.

It was after this conversation that I realized my ignorance and childishness. A mother is a mother is a mother. Of course, one's own mother is best, but what I began to realize was that if I held a baby in my arms who was in need and I was in a position to help them, then I would. I felt that I could relate to those village mothers who take on the task of helping to nurse infants who were not thriving. Thirteen days after my son was born, my very dear friend S gave birth in her home to her own beautiful baby boy. When I went to visit them for the first time, I looked down at him and I thought to myself that if anything ever happened, I would help this child. I would nurse this child. I would keep this child safe. My own child is and always will be the most important, but this child, I thought, is special too. This is the basic empathy that comes with being a mother and a woman, the desire to nurture.

A couple of weeks ago, a mama who is very close to me was struggling with breastfeeding. She had been home with her dear baby for several days and her milk had not come in. There was some milk, and it was the watery white consistency of early milk, but it was scarce. She was nursing her dear baby tirelessly, around the clock, trying to get him up to his birth weight. When the midwife first mentioned that he was not gaining according to percentage and may need a supplement, his mama was worried. She wanted her baby to be exclusively breastfed, but of course, a full-bellied, thriving baby was the most important thing. She was given 24hrs to get his weight up before a supplement would be introduced. I stayed with her for the day as she nursed every hour and a half, all through the day and into the night. The next morning, everyone was certain he would have put on at least three ounces and when they scale revealed that, not only had he not gained, but he had lost another three ounces, his dear mama was devastated. I thought back to the horrible, heartbreaking time that I had with nursing in the beginning. I was the first of my group of mommy friends to deliver and, at times, felt quite alone during the ordeal. Every time I gave my dear baby a bottle of breast milk instead of nursing him, I felt ashamed, defeated and detached from him. My heart went out to this new mama who was torturing herself with the thought of having starved her baby. She hadn't wanted to give formula because she wanted to give her milk a chance to come in fully, which was supported by the midwife, and now she was being told that he was "too light".

I went home that evening feeling very strongly that I should help this mother. I knew that I had milk stored in the freezer. I knew that I had domperidone stashed in the cupboard to boost my milk supply. At seven months post-pardem, my milk is fully-established and mature, with a higher fat content than any formula you could buy in a store. I knew that my milk would help this dear baby gain weight quickly and that it would ease his mother's guilt about giving anything other than breast milk to her newborn son. I wanted to help her, but I wasn't totally sure how to offer my help. I didn't want to seem that I was bragging about having all this extra milk when she was struggling to create supply and I didn't want to assume that she would agree. A new mother is a very sensitive creature and a new mother who is having difficulty nourishing her baby on her own is all the more fragile. I decided to make the offer and she happily agreed. Her dear baby is happy to accept this new milk and his dear mother is supplementing with a lactation aid- probably the most natural way to supplement an infant (a thin tube is placed alongside the breast during nursing, one end is in a bottle of breast milk and the other end delivers extra nourishment to baby as he suckles away). Dear mama requires between 10 and 15oz of extra breast milk per day, which I am unfortunately not able to supply on my own, and so our dear mutual friend S (whom I mentioned earlier in the post) is also contributing milk to the cause. This beautiful, lucky dear baby is being nourished by three mothers, all of whom love him unconditionally.

After ten days of breast milk supplementation, I am happy to report that dear baby is pretty much at his birth weight and growing every day. On top of that, his dear mother is noticing and increase in her own supply and therefore a decrease in the use of supplement every single day. Her Midwife and O.B are beyond thrilled for her as well. They both agree that she has the very best of a bad situation in that she has people close to her who are also nursing and are willing to donate milk, and more importantly, that she has been willing to accept the donations. Both have remarked how exceptional and wonderful it is for women to band together to care for their infants and how great it would be if more women were able to participate in milk sharing and the use of lactation aid when supplementing their newborns.

When I think back to my pre-natal self, I can't help but laugh at my pettiness, my lack of understanding. I see now that there is no child I could hold in my arms that I would not help if I could. Nursing mothers work hard to prevent the stigma of breastfeeding in public. There are many nursing groups and mother's groups (La Leche, for example), that advocate nursing any time, any place. If only there were more groups advocating for milk sharing. As I said at the beginning of this post, we all KNOW that breast milk is what's best for our babies. Knowing this, we should all be more willing to participate in the village community of nursing mothers. It is a mother's instinct to care for, nurture and nourish babies, so let's extend that nurturing instinct to the mothers who wish to keep their babies exclusively breastfed but need a little assistance while their milk strengthens. People often see breast milk as a bodily fluid and therefore something personal, like saliva, that shouldn't be shared. I would say, as politely as possible, that those people are fools.

And I would know, I used to be one of them.

Diadima xo

Rockin' Green Hard Rock Review (and some whitening tips!)

As I mentioned in my last post, I was delighted to discover that you can purchase trial size packets of Rockin' Green diaper detergent. I've been eyeing up Rockin' Green for a while, but since it's rather expensive and I still have a tonne of my regular diaper detergent, I had some trepidation about committing to a whole bag. As mentioned previously, Rockin' Green comes in three formulations: classic, hard rock (for those with hard water) and soft rock (for those with soft water). I have determined that my water is hard, which could likely be why I have such an issue with build-up on my diapers and why it's difficult to keep them stain-free. Rockin' Green also comes in seven delicious fragrances: Mighty Mighty Marshmallow, Smashing Watermelons, The Green Tea's, Rage Against the Raspberry, Motley Clean, Lavender Mint Revival and there is also an unscented version for those who prefer fragrance-free and it's called Bare Naked Babies.

For my trial run, I bought Mighty Mighty Marshmallow, Smashing Watermelons and Motley Clean all in the hard rock formula. I was definitely curious about the fragrances, but my real motivation was whether the hard rock formula would help to get my diapers their absolute cleanest. First, I put my diapers through on a cold pre-rinse to get the ickies off- I always use the highest water setting. Second, I filled my washer on the hottest water setting and added the Rockin' Green and the diapers. Once the cycle was finished, I was super excited to sniff my diapers. I even turned the washer alarm on (which I never do because it's super annoying). When I picked up a diaper to sniff it, it smelled like...nothing. Yes, sorry to say, after a heavy duty wash cycle with an extra rinse, the diapers really didn't smell like any marshmallow, let alone a mighty one. It was all a bit anti-climactic, really. I didn't notice any fragrance on the diapers with the other two scents that I chose either. The cleaning power, on the other hand, was very good. My diapers looked very clean and although they didn't smell like a yummy fragrance, they did smell fresh and there was absolutely no trace of ammonia clinging to them. I must admit, even as I love my Claudia's Choices diaper detergent to the end of the earth, I do sometimes have to do a second wash due to faint ammonia smell remaining on the diapers.

My over-all verdict: Even though the fragrance didn't stick (and really, that's the main reason for the additional cost), the cleaning power was very good. I really did like the detergent and thought that the hard water formula cleaned my diapers very thoroughly. At the end of the day, however, I don't think I'll be switching. I find that adding some baking soda or RLR once a month gives the exact same result.

So, as I've said, my main motivation for exploring other detergents was to boost my whitening capability. Dear baby is nearly seven months old and several of my bumGenius microfiber inserts, as well as the fleece lining in the diapers themselves are looking rather dingy. I've used baking soda all along to brighten my diapers, but sometimes I need something a little...more. I can't use bleach because of my hard water situation (bleach + hard water = ugly yellowing), not to mention the fact that it deteriorates microfiber. The two things that I have found that work the best are...

Cadie RLR Laundry Treatment- Ignore the kitschy 70's packaging, this stuff works. It's some kind of magical laundry soda that is not a bleach, blueing or detergent. I add it to my wash cycle along with my regular amount of detergent (just as you would an oxyclean type product), let it soak for about an hour and then run the cycle as usual. A single use packet costs $2 at my diaper retailer and I use it a couple times a month. Before I discovered this little gem, I was using Rockin' Green's Funk Rock Ammonia Bouncer for both deodorizing and whitening power, however, at $18 a bag (and I used a bag a month), it was getting a little steep. I find that the RLR brightens and deodorizes beautifully for a fraction of the cost.

but the best whitening results I've achieved so far are from using...

The sun!

Yes. The plain, old, free, shining sun is the best bleaching agent of them all. If you're using cloth, a clothes line is a must-have. Even in an apartment, just string up a line on your balcony- you won't regret it. There is absolutely no product that you can buy in a store that will whiten and deodorize your diapers better than sun and fresh air. Not to mention the fact that hanging your diapers to dry instead of tossing them in the dryer will extend their life considerably. Now that spring is upon us in this beautiful country, I've been taking full advantage of the sunny days that we've had for the past two weeks and my diapers are reaping all the benefit. RLR combined with sunshine has my diapers looking as good as they did when I bought them eight months ago. I've heard mamas saying they take their diapers to the beach and lay them out, put them on the porch, in the back yard, there are a lot of ways to sun your diapers if a clothes line is just completely out of the question (I know some condo town-homes prohibit them because they're considered "eye-sores"). So get those diapers out in the sun and see why mother nature always does it best.

Diadima xo

GroVia Bonanza and Rockin' Green test drive

Hello cloth mamas!

I know, I know...it's been a while. I've been delinquent. Dear baby is teething and ill with Roseola, which of course, has been cutting into my blog time.

This is just a quick post to let everyone know about the great sale that GroVia has authorized at all of their retailers for the entire month of April. If you buy three GroVia diapers- the shells (diaper covers), shell sets (diaper cover + insert) or all-in-ones, you get one diaper free. I heard from a little bird that GroVia is discontinuing their shell sets, which are an excellent value, so if you are thinking of getting them, now is the time to buy. Check with your local diaper retailer to make sure that they're in on the sale and get shopping, mamas!

In other news- I was at my local diaper retailer this evening and I noticed that they were selling sample sized packs of Rockin' Green. Previously, I didn't know these were available. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I use Claudia's Choices detergent, which is a great brand. I've been eyeing up the Rockin' Green lately because A) It comes in a hard water formula (and I have hard water) and B) It comes in delish fragrances. I've been hesitant to buy a bag because it's $22 for a medium sized bag that wouldn't last me half as long as Claudia's does. My dear baby is 6 1/2 months old and I'm still using the first pail that I bought before he was born. So imagine my pleasure when I saw that I could try it out with a single-use packet that sells for $1.75 at my diaper retailer. Perfect! I picked up three single-use packets in the Hard Rock formula (for hard water) in the fragrances "Motley Clean", "Smashing Watermelons" and "Mighty Mighty Marshmallow". I'll post a review at the end of the week to let everyone know what I thought of this boutique detergent, so stay tuned!

Diadima xo

Breastfeeding: the first days

In the first days following birth, there is an awful lot for a new mother to contend with. Not only are you exhausted from the marathon that is labour, but you may be recovering from your epidural, stitches, and the general pain that is associated with the initial post-partem period. On top of all of that is a tiny person who needs to be held and nursed every two hours around the clock. It's a lot to handle! Of course, no new mother wants to be seen as a complainer, or worse- incapable, and so we tend to keep the fact that we may be struggling to ourselves.



When I first came home with dear baby, I was in a lot of pain. I neglected to take the advice of my midwife when she had told me to stop pushing. Stop pushing? No way, I thought. As a result, I had some nasty tears that required stitching. Forget going to the bathroom every two hours as the nurses were urging, I could barely walk! It turned out, the difficulty walking also had to do with my pelvis being a bit twisted from labour (thankfully that was sorted out by a quick adjustment at the chiropractor, about ten days post-partem). I was beginning to notice a lot of redness around my nipples and it was becoming increasingly difficult to get through a feeding. The first blow to my nursing confidence came from the night-time nurse at the hospital. She told me that my dear baby had "the jitters" which was a symptom of low-blood sugar caused by ineffective nursing. He was taken to the nursery to have his blood tested. The first of three tests came back low. The nurse told me to continue nursing to see if it helped. "What if it does not go up?", I asked her. "He will be given formula", she answered. I was upset by this. I told her I did not want to give him formula and expressed my wish for him to be exclusively breastfed. She told me that if the test showed low sugar, I most certainly would be giving formula, otherwise he would be taken away from me to the second floor and put on an IV drip. I nursed him for 1hr and a half straight, trying feverishly to get his blood sugar up, crying the whole time out of fear and pain from the poor latch. It didn't do any good, the nurse was back an hour later with a tiny bottle of formula and a very stern expression that told me she wasn't fooling around. I didn't realize it then, but this was the beginning of my breastfeeding trauma. I knew the latch was bad, but I kept going because I was afraid of this nurse taking my son away. I was home only a few short hours before I wound up on the floor of the nursery, crying my heart out because I could not stand the pain. Unfortunately, it was merely the first of dozens of similar nights. Afraid that my baby was starving, I tried to pump the colostrum for him. When a mere 3/4 oz dribbled into the bottle, I felt panic. I did not know at the time that I was producing more than enough colostrum. Even though the books confirmed that a newborn baby has a stomach the size of a tiny marble, I was sure that he would perish by morning if I didn't get more food into him. I kept asking everyone if they thought he looked "jittery" until, finally my mother, bless her heart, phoned up the hospital to find out what what kind of formula they used and then promptly went out at 3am to pick some up for me. I didn't care if he had formula anymore, I just wanted him to be full and safe.



I tell this story, not to scare anyone, but to inform my fellow women that it is not all stars and lullabies and sunday walks when your motherhood adventure begins. I saw almost a dozen different lactation consultants and the conflicting information was very discouraging. Many, including my midwife, advised me against pumping because it would confuse my breasts as to how much milk to make. Almost everyone told me that bottlefeeding would create nipple confusion and negatively impact breastfeeding. Their opinions made sense, of course, breastfeeding is hard work for babies, especially new babies- so spoiling them with a bottle which requires hardly any effort to drink from- would surely sabotage my desire of exclusive breastfeeding. Some said use Lansinoh, others said skip Lansinoh. Some said use side-lying position because it's good for women with larger breasts, others said side-lying almost always guarantees you a poor latch. It was difficult, frustrating and overwhelming to sort through all of the information. I felt like nothing helped and every day led to another failure.



There was, however, one woman who did truly help me. Her name is Shelly and she works at The Early Years Center at my local mall. I told her that I was pumping milk and bottlefeeding mostly, while trying to breastfeed a couple times a day so dear baby didn't forget how to do it. She was the first person to tell me that it was fine. If I remember correctly, she said, "You do whatever you have to do to get to the next day. If you need to pump, then pump. If you need to bottlefeed your breastmilk, then do that too; don't worry about the "rules", just get yourself from one day to the next". She helped me with positioning. She helped me with my nursing confidence. She suggested I get myself some Dr. Jack Newman's All-Purpose Nipple Ointment. I was, and still am, very thankful for her help and advice.



Yes, I pumped milk. Yes, I gave my dear baby formula twice (once in hospital, and once that first night at home). Yes, used the nipple ointment for longer than was recommended. I did a lot of things that nurses, doctors, midwives and lactation consultants alike told me would ruin my chances at exclusive breastfeeding. Yes, it took 16 painful weeks, but I am happy to report that, despite the odds, I have been exclusively breastfeeding for two months now and I plan to continue for at least a year.



The following is a list of things that worked for me and helped me to finally achieve success:



1. Pumping. Yes I know. You're told not to. I also was told not to. The fact is, when you're at the point where you dread feeding your baby so much that the ticking of the clock brings fearful tears to your eyes, you need to give yourself a break. During the period of engorgement after my milk came in (about day 3), I would use a hand-pump to express just enough milk to soften my breasts a bit. I found that this helped dear baby latch better. If I tried to nurse with rock-hard breasts, dear baby would try to latch and slip off, causing me excruciating pain, so I stuck with it. Eventually, the damage to my breasts was so severe that I had to stop breastfeeding completely for about three days to give my breasts a chance to heal. During this time, I pumped and bottlefed the expressed milk exclusively. At first, I wouldn't get much milk and I would be stressed that dear baby would wake up at any minute and I wouldn't have enough milk for him. However, as I got used to it, I found that I was able to pump enough milk for two feedings in one go. So eventually, I was able to start storing milk away in the freezer It's very important to relax as much as you can when you are pumping in order to achieve a let-down and collect enough milk in the bottles to satisfy your babe. It is key to drink a lot of fluids, remember to eat nutritious meals and snacks and take your pre/post-natal vitamins.

2. Fenugreek and Domperidone

Domperidone is a prescription medication typically used to treat gastrointestinal problems, however, in high doses, it can really boost your milk production. I took three doses of dom (as I affectionately call it) three times a day and I really credit it as one of the reasons I was able to pump so successfully. Everyone knows that baby is the best pump and that an electric pump wont express the milk as effectively, but taking the dom makes your milk flow much faster and more freely, allowing you to express much more than you would be able to otherwise. I have talked to many a woman who has said that ultimately it was a lack of supply that ended the breastfeeding game for them and so anything that gets you to the next day is a good thing. Fenugreek is an herb, sold in capsule form that also increases milk supply. Once I stopped pumping every day, I no longer felt that I needed domperidone, and so I switched to fenugreek (two capsules, three times daily). Fenugreek has been very effective for me as well, as long as I have been taking it, I always feel full by feeding time. It's very convenient that it doesn't require a prescription, so you can pick it up any time. An added bonus- after taking fenugreek for a few days, you'll begin to smell like maple syrup, now who doesn't like that?

3. Sleep. Your body needs rest in order to produce milk. For some reason, new mommies always seem to feel as though they need to stay on top of everything. All you should be responsible for, especially in the first days and weeks post-partem, is dear baby's needs. My mother has this little saying, "Settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!". I do feel that this is excellent advice. Don't worry about laundry and dinner, when your baby is asleep, you need to be asleep too. I would get myself so horribly stressed over how I was failing at breastfeeding that I would lay wide awake in my bed worrying about the next feeding. The thing is, it's much harder to have the patience and persistence required to achieve a good latch when you are tired. An exhausted mommy is much more likely to just nurse through the pain rather than re-latch the baby and who could blame her? It's hard to find the energy when you're running on empty, so sleep, sleep, SLEEP.

4. Visit a lactation consultant. I've said it before and I'll say it again, breastfeeding is a confidence game. Having someone who can look over your latch and positioning, let you know what you are doing right and guide you in the right direction can be just what you need to build your confidence. Yes, it can be a bit of an easter egg hunt finding a lactation consultant that you truly gel with, but it is worth it to have that confirmation. Shelly was the only one who helped me achieve a good latch. Of course, six hours later, I was crying and unable to reproduce it, but it proved to me that it was possible- and so I continued trying and persisting until I got back there. It's true that I was never able to solve my problems with a visit to the lactation consultant. It's true that I ended up pumping every day until my son grew a little and got better at breastfeeding on his own. But it's also true that the positivity, encouragement and confirmation that I was doing the right thing did wonders for my self-esteem as a mother and sole provider of nourishment to my son.

5. Get yourself some Jack Newman's All-purpose Nipple Ointment. If you are experiencing excruciating nipple pain, as I did, or if you are suffering damage to your nipples, as I did, then I recommend that you get yourself a prescription for this nipple cream. By the second week of breastfeeding, the damage to my right nipple was extensive. I had three cracks, one of which was a full-blown, oozing, open gash that would stick to my nursing pads and bleed every time I tried to nurse/pump. It was beyond painful and no matter how much lansinoh I delicately dabbed onto it, it just would not heal. A lactation consultant recommended the APNO and my poor little nipple was healed in three days. I used it sparingly after every feed/pump and it helped a lot with the pain. It is available with or without ibuprofen and I would suggest that you get it WITH the ibuprofen, as it helps to relieve the pain as it heals you.

Those first days are wonderful, hectic, exhausting, satisfying and full of love. You are discovering yourself as a mother. You are experiencing a love like no other. There are many emotions that swirl around a woman in those first days and weeks after delivery. One moment you may feel that you have finally got it figured out, the next you may feel completely lost to the world. With so much going on, the initial struggles of breastfeeding can leave you feeling doomed, but it's important to remember that you can only do as much as you can do. Babies are born loving their mothers. They are born with the instinct to nurse and feel a closeness to their mothers. I feel that there is a lot of fear-mongering that goes on in the nursing community, threatening nipple confusion and nursing derailment to women who want to pump and bottlefeed to give their bodies a break from nursing pain, or offer a pacifier to calm a screaming child. I personally don't believe in nipple confusion. My mother said to me all along that a child who knows the breast will always go back to the breast. My dear baby was fussy at the breast for a few days once I tried full-time nursing again, but it was only a few days and then he took to it like he had never left. Of course, I would never wish my situation on my worst enemy, but listen dear mamas- don't beat yourself up. Take Shelly's advice and do what you need to do to get to the next day. There were many times where I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I persisted, I did only as much as I could and I now nurse my son as often as he likes, pain-free. If even one woman benefits from the advice in this post- I will be happy, as I know how hopeless it can all seem in the beginning.

Diadima xo

The miracle of life- twice in one day!

This past Thursday, two new, little Canadians arrived on the scene.

In the morning, A- friend, funnygirl and Prince Edward Island Princess welcomed her son Hudson in to the world...11lbs 1oz (yes, you read that correctly), Hudson is already sporting chubby cheeks and beautiful eyes, sure to be well-loved by his big sister. Congratulations to A and the new, little man in her life!

Then, in the evening, R- university pal, stage-manager extraordinaire and fellow cloth mama brought little Isaiah into the world...7lbs 7oz (the same size as my dear baby, a very good size ;-), Isaiah is warming the hearts of all who lay eyes upon him. Congratulations to R, a first-time mommy- you did it, girl!

I'm so pleased and proud of both mommies and look forward to meeting both of their little angels.

Diadima xo

Mother's Milk

As I have mentioned before, breastfeeding was an incredibly difficult part of motherhood for me. The road to full-time nursing was rocky, painful and took sixteen long weeks to traverse. However, today's blog post is not about re-hashing my breastfeeding trauma. Today's post is about informing nursing mothers of the three-month milestone and how to push on through.

What is the three-month milestone, you ask?

Before I explain, I want to go over a few little facts about milk production. After giving birth, your body experiences a flux of hormones, in particular, oxytocin. Oxytocin is often referred to as the "love hormone". Your body releases a burst of oxytocin as your uterus contracts and your cervix dilates; it helps to facilitate labour and breastfeeding. Prolactin is another hormone that facilitates breastfeeding. Oxytocin causes lactation to begin and your breasts to fill with milk. Prolactin regulates milk production in the breasts. So for the first several weeks post partem, milk production (which is triggered by your baby's first suckling at the breast) occurs as a result of your hormones.

During this time, your boobs will be full almost all the time (except for right after a feeding) and feel heavy and probably a bit sore. The thing is, your body knows you have given birth, but doesn't know how many babies there are, so you will be storing far too much milk for one babe for the first couple of months. It takes some getting used to, for sure. Like most things, once you get used to it, it changes. After months of waking up in the morning to full, heavy breasts, you will wake up one morning to find that they seem empty and flaccid. And you will feel worried. And you will fear that your milk is drying up. And you will wonder how there could possibly be enough to feed your baby...

This is what I call the three-month milestone.

For me, I have very sensitive milk ducts that get easily backed up. If I didn't pump or nurse every couple of hours, my breasts would get very hard and small, tender lumps would form. So imagine my surprise when I woke up after nine hours of rest (my wonderful dear baby slept the night) and my breasts were not full. I was panicking. I took a double dose of domperidone and drank glass after glass of water and juice. I took bags of milk out of the freezer to thaw on the counter. I was seriously concerned that just as I was finally able to start nursing dear baby full time, it was all going to come crashing down due to lack of production.

It was around this time that I had a little conversation about my situation with my friend, S. S gave birth to a little baby boy just two weeks after me and the two of us have been discussing pregnancy and motherhood since we were twelve weeks along. She confided that she was also concerned about low supply and a lack of fullness, especially in the evening and first thing in the morning. After consulting with her midwife, she told me that as long as dear baby is nursing, seems happy and has lots of wet diapers, then milk supply is fine. The thing is, even when someone tells you this, you will still experience doubt.

It is important to remember that your body is designed for motherhood. With so many books, resources, the internet and advice, it's easy to mistrust your own instincts but the fact is, your body IS designed for motherhood. Have faith that you have everything you need to nourish your baby and your baby knows instinctively how to get it.

So when the three-month milestone rolled into town for me, I took S's advice and continued nursing on through, trusting that my baby was getting enough milk. It turns out that, like your mothering skills, your milk matures over time. As you go along on your nursing adventure, your milk will change more in quality than quantity. It will become richer and more nutritious. You will notice that your baby feeds for less time, not because there is no milk, but because he, too, has honed his breastfeeding skills and become much more efficient. Ever since the three-month mark, my breasts have rarely felt full, even after a full night's rest.

The big physical change that occurs during the three-month milestone is largely hormonal. Up until now, your milk production has been a result of hormones. After the three-month milestone, those hormones start to back off and your milk is produced based on how often your baby nurses and how much he requires. Your body recognizes that there is no longer any need to store lots of extra milk and so production becomes tailored to baby's needs.

And so to all of my nursing mamas who are worried that their milk is in jeopardy, I hope this bit of information helps you to trust in your body and keep on nursing. You may feel worried and wonder if you need to supplement your dear baby with formula to ensure that he is properly nourished. Of course, it is always best to consult your doctor or midwife in these matters, but if your baby is well and happy and has plenty of wet diapers then you don't need to worry. Just keep on keeping on and have a little faith in yourself.

Diadima xo